I have thought about writing about our first deployment for so long, trying to figure out the right words, words to communicate our experience without making it into something bigger than it was. On the front end, I had planned to blog throughout the entire seven months that we were apart, but when it came down to it, I couldn't. There was so much fear and anxiety that I didn't feel safe sharing anywhere but in my prayers until it was over.
We stayed with Nathan's parents in Mobile, AL (I don't even know how many times I thanked Nathan during and after deployment for being willing to move us out there so temporarily), and it was a blessing in more ways than I can find words to explain. There are so many sweet memories from that time, friendships that we wouldn't otherwise have, and stronger relationships with family that we spent time with. We also had the privilege of sitting under Dr. Steven Lawson's preaching. At a time when I was needing rich spiritual food the most, I was consistently being fed, and fed well. We were able to visit our dear friends in Auburn both without and then with Nathan, which was wonderful, as always.
I gained confidence in my ability to train, teach, and love my children, mainly because I had no choice but to rely on Christ's strength to make it through each day, and therefore, was able. I learned that the world did not end without Nathan there (although some days, I thought it might), and that time will not stand still nor speed up no matter how desperately you want it to. I was reminded of God's faithfulness often, in little things that went right that shouldn't have, and in things that went wrong that brought me to my knees when I needed it, but had been being stubborn.
I learned that the reason deployment seemed so awful is not because it, in and of itself, is so bad, or because of the logistical challenge of caring for small children alone, but because I am married to "the one whom my soul loves". The only problem with being in a marriage that is characterized by being best friends, who never get sick of each other, and would never rather be anywhere else but together is...that it is terribly painful to be apart. I remember being surprised to hear myself laugh out loud during one of our infrequent phone calls, and not being able to remember the last time I had really laughed. My cheeks would hurt from smiling so much when we talked. It's not that I never smiled, laughed or enjoyed anything, but that I was apart from my literal "other half" and therefore unable to ever be completely happy, every emotion I felt was dim. This is not to say that I did not have joy, that was another thing I learned...it is entirely possible to be sad, but still have great joy and satisfaction in Christ.
Our faith, marriage, and family are stronger than ever because of this experience. There are things you learn about yourself, each other, and, most importantly, about God and His intimate care for you when you are put in situations that threaten to break you...things you can't learn otherwise. While there is time without each other that we cannot get back, our children are not scarred, our love has not dimmed, and our God in no less faithful because of it.
We are so very thankful to all of the family and friends that supported us throughout this trial, and to God for sustaining us and refining us through it. And, needless to say, we are happier than ever to be back together again!
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